A blind man walks
in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on
a leash. As usual the store manager behind the
customer service counter looks up, notices the
customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly
looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the
manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog
over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager
runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is
there anything I can help you with?" The blind man
calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking
guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his
meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets
about half way down, his fork hits something. He
looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes!
the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got,
A guy is driving
down a deserted highway. He pulls up to an
intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From
out of nowhere, a cop pulls him over.
COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
GUY: "Hey, I slowed down didn't I???"
COP: "You must come to a full stop at the
GUY: "Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?"
The cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the
guy with-out mercy.
COP: "Well, do you want me to STOP or SLOW
duck walks into a convenience store and asks the
clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no,
and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns
and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again
says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that,
the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you
have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck,
"You've come in here the past two days and asked if
we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we
don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in
here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your
webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and
returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you
have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the
duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"
A young polar
bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom
am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His
mother replied. The young polar bear asked his
father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you
are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young
polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and
grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents.
Another week passed and the young polar bear asked
his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar
bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said
his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother.
"Because," said the young polar bear,"I'm fu**ing
guy comes home from work one day to find his dog
with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The
rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks
the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he
takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house,
gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the
rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house,
hoping that they will think it died of natural
causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside
and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um..
what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just
found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird
thing is that the day after we buried him we went
outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath
and put him back into the cage. There must be some
real sick people out there!"
A man observed a
woman in the grocery store with a three year old
girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie
section, the little girl asked for cookies and her
mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately
began to whine and fuss, and the mother said
quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the
aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It
won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little
girl began to shout for candy. When told she
couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother
said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two
more aisles to go and then we'll be checking
When they got to the checkout stand, the little
girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst
into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be
no gum purchased. The mother said serenely,
"Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5
minutes and then you can go home and have a nice
The man followed them out to the parking lot and
stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't
help noticing how patient you were with little
Monica," he began. The mother replied, "I'm Monica
- my little girl's name is Tammy."
distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is
it true", the woman wanted to know, "that the
medication you prescribed has to be taken for the
rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor
told her. There was a moment of silence before the
woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how
serious my condition is. This prescription is
marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
driving to his next performance, is stopped by the
police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid
doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler
and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?"
says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The
juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow,"
says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit
drinking. Look at the test they're giving